TLC Transitional Life Care
A Vajrayana Buddhist education and support program offering spiritual resources for the end of life transition.
LOSS & GRIEF
Grief is Part of Living
Marpa was an important teacher in the history of Tibetan Buddhism. His firstborn son, Dharma Dode, was his heir. Marpa had a premonition and told Dharma Dode not to attend a festival and not to ride a horse that day, but Dharma Dode did both, was thrown from the horse onto a rocky surface, and died.
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As Marpa wept bitterly, covering his head with his robes, his students asked him why he was crying. He had taught them that death was an illusion. “Yes, death is an illusion,” said Marpa. “And the death of one’s child is an even greater illusion.”
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​Loss is the Evidence and Truth of Impermanence
The loss of a loved one, a friend, a pet, or anyone we care about can be one of the most painful experiences a person can endure. Worrying in anticipation of losing someone or dealing with a major illness can also lead to an excess of stress.
The situations before, during, and after a major loss or the death of a loved one, such as end-of-life care and funeral arrangements, also contribute to this stress. It can take a long time to adjust to and accept not being with the person who has passed. Our identities, way of life, and the stability of our situation may be very entwined with others', and acceptance of new circumstances is often difficult. The resulting isolation is another factor that may lead to negative emotional, psychological and spiritual effects.
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The top five most stressful life events include: death of a loved one; divorce; moving or losing a home; major illness or injury, and job loss. It might feel like stress is only an emotional issue – something that lives strictly in our minds. But stress has a physical impact as well, especially when dealing with the most challenging things in life.
There can be various causes for grief - here are a few:
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grief, in general: loss and the ongoing instability of our way of life
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the loss of intimate and close relationships
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the death of a spouse or family member, particularly one's child
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pet deaths
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the death of a friend
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grief about getting older, missing out on life, and mortality
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isolation and the emotional and psychological impact of this / depression
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the grief of losing your livelihood: job, colleagues, personal network, friends
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grief of being unhoused and/or subject to poverty
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grief for our country, our environment, and the planet
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the grief of guilt-not knowing how to forgive and go on
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the confusion of unclear or unresolved relationships
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loss of community and a “sense of belonging”
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ancestral grief
Stress and grief are extremely invasive to physical, emotional, and mental health. There are various causes of stress, and bereavement is unequaled. Grief is largely absent from conversation yet it’s ever-present. It can be triggered by many things and until openly addressed, it can hang on for extended periods, years, entire lifetimes. Something as seemingly simple as mail coming that bears the name of a deceased beloved can bring it to the surface, and it’s not a discussion most of us want to have. Health professionals, counselors, and therapists agree that grief is a rarely discussed topic. The resulting isolation can cause a wide range of problems. However, there are things we can do to help.
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TLC Videos Focused on Loss & Living and Working with Grief
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Please refer to our "Free TLC Videos" page found beneath the top menu under RESOURCES.
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#2. Moving through Grief with Trust - Excerpt from a Teaching with Lama Choyang ~ 32:00 mins.
#4. Lighting the Path through Loss and Grief - with Jetsunma Jamyang Yeshe Palmo ~ 1:30 mins.
#5. Living with Sudden Loss - Excerpt from a Teaching with Lama Choyang​​ ~ 33:12 mins.
#6. The Healing Nature of Presence - with Amita Lhamo ~ 1:21 mins.
#41. Nourishing the Grieving Heart - Excerpt from a Teaching with Lama Choyang ~ 34:24
#42. Dying to Talk~Living to Listen - with Dawn Gross MD PhD ~ 2:25​
Holding Space ~ Sitting with Bereavement
Those of us who are actively grieving may be reticent to call, visit, or reach out. It’s helpful if we gently initiate and encourage contact. This could be a simple phone chat, a walk, a meal - just staying in touch. We're able to help others by making ourselves available to “hold space” by being present, open, and willing to listen. To integrate deep loss and in order to heal, being heard can be essential.
Grieving often begins in anticipation of loss and continues for weeks, months, and often for years. It’s not unusual for both family and friends to withdraw from survivors after a death, when funerals and memorials are a memory and the absence of those who have died fills what lays ahead. We may think we don’t know what to say and decide it’s best to wait for a bereaved person to call us first. However, many folks who have lost someone already feel isolated and/or distanced, hesitate to face a possible rejection, or don't want to "be a bother". Our aspiration to benefit beings is fulfilled when we offer whatever comfort we can. Even with seemingly small gestures we are able to practice compassion.
The Story of Kisa Gautami
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Kisa Gautami was a young woman in ancient India from a wealthy family who was happily married to an important merchant. When her only son was one-year-old, he fell ill and died suddenly. Kisa Gautami was struck with grief, she could not bare the death of her only child. Weeping and groaning, she took her dead baby in her arms and went from house to house begging all the people in the town for news of a way to bring her son back to life.
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Of course, nobody could help her but Kisa Gautami would not give up. Finally she came across a Buddhist who advised her to go and see the Buddha himself.
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When she carried the dead child to the Buddha and told Him her sad story, He listened with patience and compassion, and then said to her, “Kisa Gautami, there is only one way to solve your problem. Go and find me four or five mustard seeds from any family in which there has never been a death.”
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Kisa Gautami was filled with hope, and set off straight away to find such a household. But very soon she discovered that every family she visited had experienced the death of one person or another. At last, she understood what the Buddha had wanted her to find out for herself — that suffering is a part of life, and death comes to us all. Once Kisa Guatami accepted the fact that death is inevitable, she could stop her grieving. She took the child’s body away and later returned to the Buddha to become one of His followers.​
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... buddhanet​​​
Tools that Help us Deal with Grief
For more on this topic see the pages on this website called Stories of Passage and Poetry of Passage.
Spiritual or religious support via our beliefs, communities, friends, and family
Spiritual practice, meditation, and prayer
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A very simple Vajrayana [ie: Tibetan Buddhist] practice consisting of a breathing meditation called “tonglen” can be very helpful. Instructions for this can be found on this website under "Tonglen Practice" beneath STEPS TO HELP on the drop-down menu.
Rituals of various kinds–not necessarily religious–including sponsoring the lighting of candles in sanctuaries, temples, or other sacred places, scattering the ashes of the deceased, fire ceremonies, planting a tree or making donations to a charity in the name of the deceased, and things of this nature.
Memorial Services and/or gatherings
Openly communicating is especially helpful, and being listened to, which is sometimes called “holding space” when you’re being present with another person as they process grief. This includes grief support groups, counseling, and therapy. Many hospices offer up to a year of free counseling following the death of a family member or significant other. [See the Deep Chat beneath PROGRAMS on the drop down menu.]
Time with friends and family (it’s best to avoid isolation)
Quiet time alone and/or time to relax
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Regular sleep and nutritious meals
Physical exercise, walking, hiking, dancing, yoga, sports
Reading supportive material (there are many “self-help books focused on bereavement – this website includes a short list of "Suggested Books" under RESOURCES on this website's top menu.)
Writing, music, and the arts – engaging in creative projects, and listening to music
Spending time with and caring for a pet
Time in nature
Laughter – with friends, humorous books, films (see "Suggested Films" under RESOURCES on this website's top menu.)
Outings and exploration of new places
Visits to places one went to with the departed
Volunteer work for a cause one believes in
Engaging in one’s favorite activities
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​The passage of time
Isolation can be weirdly comforting because of a sense of safety due to being alone when one is deeply shaken, but too much isolation can lead to avoidance of others and potentially unhealthy behaviors.
Grief lasts for an indeterminate period of time and will rise and fall like waves. There is no “expected” duration. Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays and other significant dates may trigger it and when it does, take good care of yourself and don't hesitate to reach out if you need a friend. The folks at TLC send you our empathy and healing wishes.